i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize