Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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