My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
