come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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