i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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