i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
