Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize