I'm gonna have a badass scar
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i now understand why vodka
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
