You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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