I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
