Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
