i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....