So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.