The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
