sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
