I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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