Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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