I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
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I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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