Betty ford says i'm here all night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
