listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
