Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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