he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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