I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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