you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
