his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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