Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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