just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
i need some magic done to my vagina
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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