can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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