she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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