one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.