So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
