You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So much Jack, so little girl.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.