i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
