how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
