If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.