Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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