He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
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I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.