So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
do nipples grow back?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
