Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
