Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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