i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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