i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.