The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
..pick me up at 8.