she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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