There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
