Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.