if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.