WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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