It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
