I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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