I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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