I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.