can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
